


Butterfly Whispers

by kaithartic (bluedreaming), tinybitsoflight (bluedreaming)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Asexual Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-12
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-03-01 03:22:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2757707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluedreaming/pseuds/kaithartic, https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluedreaming/pseuds/tinybitsoflight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Jongin, liking Lu Han was the easy part.</p><p>Warnings: possible triggering material in terms of discovering sexuality/inclinations/slightly traumatic situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Butterfly Whispers

**Author's Note:**

> Originally for the [Adeerandadancer](http://adeerandadancer.livejournal.com/9515.html) exchange.
> 
> To my dear recipient, thank you so much for the beautiful prompts and I hope I did this one at least some justice. A huge thank you to A for beta-ing and tlist for being there and of course to S (chibi hugs forever).

  
[ _at night we dream of being alive_ ](http://instagram.com/p/tnL9MmNsuR/)  


 

 

"Did you see Lu Han today?" Jongin bounced excitedly in his seat. Sehun sighed and moved his bubble tea to safety. "He was so magnificent on the soccer field and scored a record number of goals!" His hands danced through the air as he spoke, a smile hovering around his mouth.

Sehun took a long sip of the strawberry milk tea and sighed indulgently. "Have you seen yourself Jongin?" He laughed softly, the sound absorbed by the upholstery and padding of the booth at the little cafe they liked to visit off campus.

Jongin stopped, puzzled. "Is there something wrong with my hair?" _I'm sure I remembered to wash it after dance class_ although, ever since Lu Han transferred to their school and joined the dance class, he'd been having trouble paying attention to anything besides the older boy's movements - something which Sehun pointed out repeatedly.

Sehun snorted. "Jongin. You're totally in love."

Jongin dropped his half-full blueberry tea, the cup chipping audibly as it collided with the glass surface of the table.

"I've never loved anyone." He sounded flippant but his eyes shone with more than repressed emotions.

"Don't panic." Sehun waved the waiter over to ask for a cloth and then systematically mopped up the mess, wringing the blue liquid nearly into the deep saucer. "This could be a good thing."

"But he doesn't even know I exist!" Jongin was allowed to panic if he felt the situation merited it and it definitely did. _Not to mention I still don't even know if I like boys or girls!_

_Or anyone at all._

Sehun handed the saucer to the waiter and poked Jongin on the shoulder. "He's blind if he hasn't noticed you. Trust me on this."

Jongin gulped. He was was still completely intimidated over the next couple days, Sehun dragging him around and pointing out all the times Lu Han looked in his direction — twice during dance, once at lunch, three times on the bus — and Jongin pretending that it wasn't because he was an obviously panic-stricken bookworm being dragged around by a photography student with rainbow hair. _Just let me go back to hiding in the library and peeking though bookshelves._

[ _but dreams aren't real and our secret insomnias whisper into the corners of sleep_ ](http://instagram.com/p/tnMFSuNsui/)  


 

 

It was his worst nightmare come true. Sehun had dragged him to a house party — "Lu Han will be there!" — and then promptly abandoned him to the mercy of what used to be the living room but was now a mass of writhing limbs and trampled red plastic cups. He stumbled through the crowd, catching an elbow in the side of the head and a knee to the stomach before emerging into the relative calm of the kitchen, which was apparently where the serious alcoholics gathered, debating the merits of cheap gin over cheap vodka. They didn't even notice when Jongin stole a shot. He rarely drank, and usually only a glass of wine with Sehun, but he was so out of his element he needed all the courage he could gather.

As he was just lowering the glass, he saw blond hair out of the corner of his eye. _Lu Han._ Abandoning the glass with a clatter on the counter, he hesitated a moment too long — by the time he was peering around the doorframe into the hallway, the coast was depressingly clear, only two students eating each other's faces in the stairwell. _That looks so gross._  He peered back down the hallway in the other direction and sighed. Just going home was sounding like a better idea every second.

_I'm sorry Sehun but I'm leaving y—_

"Hey." Jongin whipped his head back around at the voice, startled.

It was Lu Han. Lu Han, red cup in hand, trademark rubix cube in the other.

_Please someone kill me._

"I thought I saw you cutie!" Lu Han grinned, leaning against the corridor wall, far too close for comfort. He was even prettier up close. Jongin didn't know what to say.

"You know me?" The question slipped out before he realized it. _Now I really want to go home._ He darted his eyes around furtively, trying to spot a familiar rainbow but no luck.

Lu Han laughed. "Of course I know you!" Jongin gulped in surprise. "You're the cute boy in my dance class who hangs out in the library but likes to watch soccer — I even asked my friends about you. Jongin, right?" It was the slightly tentative expression on Lu Han's face that won Jongin over.

Exchanging hobbies in the hallway led to wine on the sofa upstairs — "you like Pinot Grigio too?" —which led to laughing and splashing drops of the golden liquid on his face. Which led to him wiping them off with the back of his hand which led to Lu Han touching where the drops had been.

Jongin was so happy he couldn't stop the shy smile from blossoming on his face. His skin was so warm where Lu Han's fingers hovered...there was a tingling in his fingertips and he felt so safe. He slowly reached up to brush Lu Han's cheek. Lu Han exhaled softly, almost a moan, and his eyelashes fluttered. He cupped Jongin's face with his warm palm, other hand resting on Jongin's leg.

There were butterflies in Jongin's stomach but that was normal, right?

He moved his other hand to Lu Han's jean-clad thigh, mirroring him, the body heat warming his nervous fingers.

And then Lu Han was leaning towards him, eyes closed, so he closed his eyes too _because that's what you're supposed to do, right?_ He could feel the warm sweet breath on his cheek, smell the wine, a faint hint of chocolate underneath.

Soft lips brushed his. The butterflies were getting louder.

Lu Han opened his mouth, tongue teasing at Jongin's slightly parted lips, the hand on his leg moving to his back. The butterflies were starting to hurt now.

Lu Han moaned softly, his tongue brushing Jongin's teeth, his hand slipping under the fabric of his shirt.

Jongin gasped.

Lu Han kissed harder.

The butterflies were tearing his stomach apart and clawing up his throat.

He didn't know, he couldn't — he started to shake. _I don't understand._

Lu Han stopped, pulling away to look at Jongin's face.

"Are you okay?"

Lu Han's face was flushed and his lips swollen. _Does my mouth look like that?_ The butterflies flapped faster at the thought, stealing the air out of his lungs.

He couldn't help it, he shrank away from Lu Han's hand, trembling into the sofa cushions, one hand darting up to touch his face. It was wet.

"Why are you crying? Did I hurt you?" Jongin wanted to shake his head, his heart crushed at the expression on Lu Han's face _it's not your fault!_ but if he moved at all he was going to break into tears.

Lu Han let out a shaky breath, fist clenched to his chest, and Jongin started to cry anyway.

"I'll go find Sehun." With that, Lu Han was gone.

[ _on that silent route to nowhere, an empty bus gliding through slick city streets_ ](http://instagram.com/p/tnMNFnNsut/)  


 

 

It only took one glance for Sehun to take Jongin straight home. They rode through the night in silence, harsh subway lights unkind to the tear tracks gouged down his face.

"Is it okay if I hug you?"

Jongin thought about it for a moment — because nothing was simple right now and everything was upside down — and nodded slowly, sinking with a sob into Sehun's arms. Sehun rocked him back and forth and told him stories about little boys and great adventures.

Jongin was afraid of when his tears would stop and he would have to explain.

"So, what happened?" Sehun's voice was soft. He didn't sound angry at Lu Han — Jongin was grateful for that at least. He took in a deep rattling breath.

"He...kissed me." The kiss replayed in his head — _tongues touching ... butterflies choking_ — he buried his face in Sehun's shoulder and Sehun rubbed his back comfortingly.

"Did you want him to kiss you?" Sehun's voice was soft, like he was talking to a small child or a frightened animal.

"I thought I did." Jongin was the rabbit in the headlights, frozen in the moment and unable to leave.

"But...?" Sehun prompted.

Jongin gulped. "But it was awful." His eyes welled with tears again but he blinked them back furiously.

Sehun's hand on his back pauses. "Did he force you?"

"No!" Jongin was so adamant he leaned back to look Sehun in the eyes. "He didn't make me do anything!"

Sehun looked thoughtful but finally nodded. "How do you feel about him?"

 _This is the question I knew you'd ask, and I don't know how to answer._ "I don't know." It was the truth.

"Do you want to see him again?" Jongin gulped and nodded. "If he doesn't hate me." His voice was very small.

"Do you want to be his friend?" Jongin thought about Sehun, his best friend since they were babies, the one who always fixed things when they were broken, and shook his head.

"That's not enough." He was just so confused.

"Do you want him to kiss you again?" Sehun's voice was hesitant but firm. Jongin shook his head. He couldn't say it out loud.

Sehun sighed. Jongin shrank back. "I'm sorry," he gulped. Sehun gave him a glare.

"Don't apologize! I'm just really sad that this happened to you, but we'll figure it out okay?"

Jongin nodded, but his mind was already racing ahead. _What if I see Lu Han tomorrow?_

He got on the bus in the morning but instead of getting off at school, he rode deeper and deeper circles into the city. Nothing made sense. When he thought about kissing Lu Han or even — he shuddered.

 _I think I love him._ He imagined spending the rest of his life with Lu Han, not like how he was best friends with Sehun but waking up and going to sleep and eating breakfast in the morning, sharing a bank account, arguing and making up and buying presents and meeting parents and — _why doesn't any of this make sense?_

Sehun tracked him down at the end of the day, quietly slipping into the seat next to him.

"Has riding in circles today helped you figure anything out?" Jongin shook his head.

They went for supper at their usual café just off campus. Jongin munched on his sandwich and tried to ignore the fact that Sehun was looking at him thoughtfully.

Finally, he couldn't help it.

"Stop staring at me like that," he pouted. Sehun smiled.

"I'm glad to see you're feeling better." Jongin's face fell slightly. "Are you ready to talk about it?"

 _No I'm not._ He nodded instead.

"So you want to be in a relationship with Lu Han, right?" Sehun looked at him, the question hanging in the air between them.

Jongin took a deep breath. _I can do this._

"Yes." He stared at his reflection in the window. His eyes were very white in the dark.

"But you don't want to kiss him, or do other things like that." Jongin shook his head.

Sehun nodded thoughtfully. "Have you ever wanted to kiss anyone or do anything like that?"

"No." _Everyone talks about wanting to kiss someone but I guess I always thought about it like a book? Like something that happens to someone else?_

"Okay." Sehun looked like he had figured something out but Jongin was no further along than he had been yesterday. The sky outside was dark and there were too many clouds — he couldn't see the stars.

"Okay. I know you're fine with hugging me" — Sehun grinned — "but would you be okay with hugging Lu Han?"

Jongin thought about last night. Not the later part where — he shuddered — but earlier. _When touching Lu Han felt like home._

"I want to," he whispered, hiding his head in his arms, slumped over the table. "He feels like home."

Sehun poked him. "Then you need to tell him that!"

"But he probably hates me!" Jongin groaned into the table. "I freaked out and was really weird and I'm sure he never wants to see me again."

Sehun only poked him harder. "That's not true at all. First of all, Lu Han would never hate you for that, and second, I think he really likes you."

Jongin perked up his ears. _Really?_

Sehun laughed. "You didn't come to school today but I totally saw him wandering around looking for you, a sad expression on his face." Jongin's expression fell.

Sehun sighed. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to make you feel bad. It's just — don't keep it all to yourself okay?" Jongin nodded. "You need to talk to him."

[ _we will never be able to say goodbye_ ](http://instagram.com/p/tnMUycNsu0/)  


 

 

"Lu Han?" Jongin's voice was hesitant, echoing softly through the empty dance studio. Empty except for a blond boy sadly twirling the sides of a rubix cube. One side was white, but everything else was a mess of colours.

He looked up, surprised. Jongin couldn't read his expression. He decided to be brave.

"I'm really sor—"

"I feel terrible about what happened!" Lu Han cut him off, the apology bursting out of him as though he had been carrying it around since that night, festering and bubbling in his chest. "I'm so sorry and I know I shouldn't have kissed you on the first night but I really like you, I've liked you for a long time and I just couldn't help mysel—"

"That's okay," Jongin said quietly. "It's not your fault."

Lu Han only looked at him, a bemused expression on his conflicted face.

"Firstly, I really do like you. In fact, I maybe love you—" Jongin began and Lu Han started to smile, relief smoothing his furrowed brow and unclenching his fingers —"but I want to be honest with you." Lu Han's face fell slightly and there was a sad twisting in Jongin's chest.

He sat down, a couple of metres away. "I really really like you and I'd love to hug you and squeeze your shoulders when you're tired and someday in the future even move in with you, but I don't think I'll ever be able to kiss you. Or anything else." His voice shrank throughout his explanation until the last sentence was barely a whisper. "I'm really sorry."

There were so many expressions chasing after each other over Lu Han's face — Jongin didn't know what to say. He watched as sadness finally settled in.

"So you just want to be friends?" Lu Han's voice wobbled a little over the f word. Jongin didn't know how to explain. _Sehun, where are you when I need you?_

"No!" Jongin's voice was as adamant as he could make it. "That's not enough."

Lu Han couldn't seem to wrap his head around the concept. "So you're saying that you want to go out with me and hold my hand and hug and go on dates but you'll never let me kiss you? Or —" he shook his head, the air leaving his lungs in a sad exhalation of everything he had hoped.

Jongin's heart dropped out of his chest and onto the shiny floor of the studio.

"I really really like you but I don't think I can do that. And it's partly because I like you too much."

Lu Han stood in quiet despair, leaving the room, the heavy door falling shut with a tired clang.

Jongin sank into the floor, eyes welling over. When Sehun arrived for the dance class a few minutes later he found the boy curled up on the ground, clutching an abandoned rubix cube and sobbing his heart out.

Jongin didn't go to class for the next week; Sehun didn't drag him out of bed and he didn't make himself get up either. Instead he drifted around aimlessly, riding the empty buses to the ends of their routes and practising his dance routines on untrampled grass, hiding himself in the corners of the city library and rereading Japanese mysteries in hardcover, the creamy paper soaking up the cuts in his heart.

He heard gossip that Lu Han, who'd been off limits almost since the first class of the semester, was now drinking and dancing and sleeping around with anyone who felt like it, never the same person twice.

Sehun never asked and Jongin was grateful.

So he was surprised to hear banging on his door one night mid-week. Sehun always had his strange elitist philosophy club that evening so unless something hadn't worked out — he opened the door and froze.

It was Lu Han. He wasn't even drunk, but he looked terrible. Jongin's stomach flip-flopped.

"You look awful," he said, then covered his mouth with his hands. _Too late._

Lu Han only looked at him with red eyes. "It's your fault."

Jongin didn't know what to say. "I hope you've been having fun" sounded too bitter and he wasn't really mad at Lu Han. _I don't have any claim on him anyway._

Lu Han broke the silence.

"You've probably heard the rumours ..." Jongin nodded, unsure of where Lu Han was going with this.

"They're not really true." Jongin didn't see how but —

"It's true that I wanted to sleep with a lot of people but —" he looked embarrassed and sad and angry and Jongin had no idea how to react to the turmoil so he just waited.

"I couldn't." Lu Han's voice was really small. He looked at the ground, the shape of his feet on the floor.

"I'm not really sure what you mean ..." Jongin was confused. The light from the street lamp outside his window cast a lattice onto Lu Han's face; he was a study of contrasts and nothing fit together.

"I guess maybe you don't know about it?" Lu Han sounded hesitant, like he didn't want to offend Jongin or scare him off and Jongin would have been touched by the sentiment if he hadn't been so lost. Lu Han seemed to grasp this and thankfully continued.

"I wanted to sleep with them but no matter how much I tried to get my mind off of it and no matter how much I drank, I could only think about you." Lu Han looked at him, large eyes full of the moon and longing. "I could only think about you."

There were fireworks going off in Jongin's head — he opened his mouth but only air came out.

"Do you think ... maybe ... you could still like me?" Lu Han's voice, only a whisper, was loud in the silence. Even the crickets outside muffled their calls.

His mouth didn't want to cooperate; it had forgotten how to shape the words, but his heart wasn't confused at all.

"I never stopped." It was true. "But are you okay with me being —" Jongin didn't want to ask but he had to.

Lu Han didn't look away. "I don't know," he said honestly. "But I want to try." He looked nervous but determined, his small chin set.

Jongin's eyes were wet again but it wasn't with sadness. "Do you think — could I maybe hug you?" _I need to wrap you up in my happiness so things can be okay._

Lu Han's eyes were surprised, but he nodded gratefully, Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed.

Jongin didn't let himself think; he just engulfed the confused boy in the kind of hugs he usually only reserved for Sehun. Except this was different. _This feels like home._

Lu Han sighed and rested his head on Jongin's shoulder, wet spots forming under his eyes, but he didn't say anything.

When Sehun walked in the next morning to finally drag Jongin to class, he smiled to see the two curled up in bed, fully-clothed, two faces smooth and happy in sweet sleep.

The door closed with a soft click. A deer outside the window looked up for a moment before leaning down to resume nibbling at the flower beds.


End file.
